SEX and MARRIAGE
Through the years, we have received many questions about marriage and sexual behavior. Unfortunately, when it comes to this subject, many people – even believers – are trying to see how much sin they can get away with rather than seeing how close they can walk with God.
Psalm 119:9-11 “How can a young man cleanse his way? By taking heed according to Your Word. With my whole heart I have sought You; Oh, let me not wander from Your commandments! Your Word I have hidden in my heart, that I might not sin against You!”
As individuals raise questions about sex and marriage, always keep in mind that what God says is truth. He has the final word on the subject. As the individual reads His Word and “hides” it in their heart, they will be equipped to make right decisions. When they choose to do what God says, they will be blessed, but when they make choices based on fleshly desires, they need to know that they are accepting far less than God’s best.
Assure them that they can walk close to God – especially in the area of sexual purity.
1. Is Premarital Sex Acceptable in God’s Eyes?
We live in a promiscuous society where premarital sex is widely accepted. However, God says that premarital sex is sin.
In the Bible, the word “fornication” (Greek, PORNIEA) is used to describe premarital sex and other acts of sexual impurity. According to the Bible, sex was created to be a blessing of the union between a husband and wife. It is clear that God absolutely disapproves of all other sexual activity, including premarital sex.
Hebrews 13:4 says “Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge.”
The Bible warns that those who continue living with fornication and adultery will not inherit God’s kingdom.
Galations 5:19-21 says, “Now the works of the flesh are evident, which are: adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lewdness, idolatry, sorcery, hatred, contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, dissensions, heresies, envy, murders, drunkenness, revelries, and the like; of which I tell you beforehand, just as I also told you in time past, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.”
Even looking at premarital sex in the natural realm, with all the concern about AIDS and sexually transmitted diseases, there is something better than “protection”- it’s called the wedding ring!
1 Corinthians 7:2 The Bible says, “...because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband.”
2. Is it Permissible for Couples to Live Together Without Marriage?
Just because the world condones something does not mean it is acceptable in God’s eyes. Here are just three of the reasons why it is wrong for believers to live together outside of marriage:
Sexual Impurity – Couples who live together outside of marriage usually do so because they have a sexual relationship. Premarital sex is sin condemned by God’s Word. Believers who desire to be obedient to God and His will, refrain from sexual impurity. 1 Thessalonians 4:3 puts it very clearly: “For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality.”
The Appearance of Evil – The Bible teaches that believers are not to live a life-style of sin. It also tells us that we should avoid even the “appearance” of evil. (1 Thessalonians 5:22) Regardless of the intent - innocent or otherwise – couples living together give the impression that they endorse sexual impurity and could provide a stumbling block to someone else’s faith. “But beware lest somehow this liberty of yours become a stumbling block to those who are weak... when you thus sin against the brethren, and wound their weak conscience, you sin against Christ.” (1 Corinthians 8:9,12) A great rule of thumb is this: If it even looks like sin, stay away from it!
Temptation – Even if an unmarried couple plans to refrain from premarital sex, living together could allow temptation to compromise those standards. The Bible teaches us to flee lusts and other temptations which could cause us to sin. (2 Timothy 2:22) When we give our desires over to lust and temptation, it leads to sin, and the Bible says sin leads to death. “But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death.” (James 1:14-15)
3. Is it Wrong to Have Sexual Fantasies?
The Bible teaches us that our thoughts should not control us, but that believers should discipline themselves and take control of their thought lives.
2 Corinthians 10:5 “We’re told to, “Cast down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ.”
Sexual fantasies are a symptom of lust and are not pleasing to God. They stimulate and promote anxiety, which can lead to impure behavior and fornication.
Matthew 5:28 (referring to lust) “But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
Individuals struggling with sexual fantasies need to get their minds under control and discipline their thoughts by thinking about good, pure “God things.”
They will not be at peace until they do what Philippians 4:8-9 says.
Philippians 4:8-9 “Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy--meditate on these things. The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you.”
4. Should a Christian Marry an Unbeliever?
2 Corinthians 6:14-15 says, “Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness? And what accord has Christ with Belial? Or what part has a believer with an unbeliever?”
These verses make it clear that believers should not enter into any type of permanent partnership with unbelievers. In Bible times, the yoke referred to was a wooden implement used to bind together a team of oxen. Since marriage is a type of yoke binding between a husband and a wife, a marriage between a believer and an unbeliever would be an “unequal yoke.”
The Bible also teaches that a house divided cannot stand. A successful marriage can only exist where there are two people in unity. If one spouse is committed to the Lord Jesus Christ, but the other isn’t, there is automatically division.
Matthew 12:25 “...Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation, and every city or house divided against itself will not stand.”
5. How Should A Marriage Partner Be Selected?
Next to salvation, the individual’s choice of a spouse is the most important decision they will ever make. Marriage can be one of life’s most wonderful blessings, or it can seem like an endless nightmare if they choose carelessly.
Marriage is meant to last a lifetime (1 Corinthians 7:39). It’s a sacred covenant between a male, a female and God. It involves a lifetime of give-and-take, sharing, and compromising. The Bible teaches us to count the cost of all our decisions before we make them. Luke 14:28 says, “For which of you, intending to build a tower, does not sit down first and count the cost, whether he has enough to finish it?”
The individual needs to be encouraged to count the cost now. Are they willing to make lifelong sacrifices for the person they are considering for a mate?
Encourage them to not look for a mate on the basis of appearance, sexual appeal, or material things. They should choose a marriage companion based on what’s in their heart. A believer should want to marry another believer: not just someone who professes to be a Christian, but someone whose life demonstrates long-term stability in Christ.
Here’s a “biggie”!
They need to know that it is unwise to marry someone on the premise that they’ll change after you’re married. Bad habits usually get worse, not better. Human nature is that people are usually on their best behavior while they are trying to draw someone into marriage.
Also, it is good to observe how the person they are considering for marriage treats their parents. Generally, the way a son treats his mother, is how he’ll treat his wife, and the way a daughter treats her father, is how she’ll treat her husband.
Many people mistake infatuation for love, but this is one place where no one can afford to be led by their emotions. True love is not something people “fall” into. It’s something they need to choose and commit themselves to sacrificially.
Many divorces could be averted if couples would consider these things before walking down the aisle. That is why it is wise to enter into marriage only after receiving premarital counseling from a pastor or qualified marriage counselor.